"If there's anything to say, if there's any other way"

The italicized part are the lyrics to Sufjan Steven's "For The Windows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti" Its been on repeat in my mind for days.

Sometimes when you want to let go, circumstances or situations or songs or memories won't give you the chance.

I have called you children
I have called you son
What is there to answer
If I'm the only one

I remember opening the drawer in my jewelry box where I kept my secret money stash--from parties or gifts or errands or jobs--and a 10 or a 20 or some combination of quarters and ones would be missing. And I rarely called her on it. I didn't want to embarrass her.

Morning comes in paradise
Morning comes in light

I remember when the worst day of my life happened sophomore year of high school, some horrible version of a fight gone too far between Anthony and I, and she took me to the store to pick out a 6 pack of any kind of alcohol I wanted, teaching me her way of coping with tragedy: drink the pain away. I got Mike's Hard Lemonade but I couldn't bring myself to open any of the bottles. I was 16.

Still I must obey
Still I must invite

I remember the night before Christmas Eve last year, I was spending the night at her house for the first time in a year. I waited and waited and waited for her, wrapping my sibling's Christmas presents and watching A Christmas Story (our tradition every year) by myself, while she was at the bar drinking with guys who had hit on me in high school.

If there's anything to say

I remember the time in Junior High on one of our movie trips with all my girl and guy friends and she started talking about all the places she had had sex. I tried to sit in the back of the van and block out their interest and laughter. The rest of the year if anyone wanted to piss me off, all the had to do was mention the Majestic Theater, one of the hot spots she had causally mentioned to my 12 year old guy friends.

If there's anything to do

I remember wondering why my friends thought my mom was so cool.

If there's any other way
I'll do anything for you

I remember sitting outside Loda Grade School for hours and crying and crying because she had forgotten to pick me up after school.

I was dressed inbarresment
I was dressed in wine
If you had a part of me
Will you take your time?

I don't remember ever discussing sex in any type of serious manner. I never had "the talk" she just assumed I already knew everything.

I'll do anything for you

I remember falling in love with Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill because my mom loved it so much. I never really thought about what any of those songs might have meant to her until now.

Even if I come back
Even if I die

I remember when she didn't graduate from college and I was confused as to why and what happened. I was just starting High School and my mom's life was supposed to finally change for the better. Something about not being able to give education majors a degree after being caught plagiarizing important papers.

I'll do anything for you

I don't remember ever asking her to buy my anything. I always knew the answer would be no.

Is there some idea
To replace my life

I remember getting the letter in the mail from Direct Loans saying that despite having a co-signer, her credit was not enough to allow me to be approved for the loan.

I did everything for you

I don't remember her ever buying me groceries or offering to pay a bill.

I did everything for you

I remember hating it when she would come to substitute teach my classes in High School because everyone liked talking to her and being around her. Most of my friends always liked her more than me.

Like a father to impress
Like a mothers morning dress

I don't remember her ever comforting me when I cried.

If I ever make a mess
I'll do anything for you

I remember when she called me last week and told me about having to settle for a job she hated but that she could walk to because my sister had totaled the car. My stepdad has just been fired from his job, and my brother is going through tests to figure out why he isn't gaining weight, and all I could think about is how I wish I could save them. I wish I could save her, I want so much more for her life than what it is and what it will always be.

I have you called you preacher
I have called you son
If you have a father
Or if you haven't one

I will be better than her. My life will be more. My children's life will be better. I can't feel guilty for getting out. I can't feel bad for leaving her behind. I cannot save her, but I can save myself.

I'll do anything for you
I'll do anything for you

I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you
I did everything for you