"If you knew I was dying would it change you?"

I'd like to wake up one morning and know.
I'm tired of waking up and not knowing.
The older I get, the more naive I feel.
When I finally close my eyes, and I am gone and gone and gone and after all the memories are lost and everyone who ever knew me is gone and gone what will be left of me?
And so what?
I'll die and my ashes will be blown away and hopefully just a little of me will crust in your eye, or get caught in the gum in your mouth and you'll bite into the grit and shudder and swallow a particle of my dusty left over shell.


I missed you so much it didn't hurt.
You'll never be big enough for me.
Those tears are not sincere.
They need to be fatter, juicier, saltier. I need convulsions. If you really cared, your break down would be a little bigger. I've seen your dramatics, this is nothing.
I know you better than this, don't lie to me with this pussy shit.


I let go. I fell. and fell. I was so afraid for this moment but now that it's here....all I feel is the peace of the wind surging through my hair.
Its never ever as bad as it seems, especially at 3 AM when the darkness has been there so long you're wishing for it to consume the fibers of your being, crawling into your pores and filling your blood with choking sadness.
And then the morning comes and comes and cums. And it all seems so silly in the day light. The sun tells you how ignorant you've been and then grabs your brain and rings out the night time juices and freshness and new and hope can take their seats again. Until dusk and the shadows come to rape your thoughts into the despair you've grown to need so badly and the cycle continues and continues.
And I said I loved you at 2:57 AM so that you could save my insides from feeling so sick and empty. But while the alarm clock was ringing I regretted leading you on but you seemed to enjoy how you looked in my new Love Dress that I couldn't break your heart. But by afternoon we were tired of the charade, you had caught on and we were both kidding ourselves and the Love Dress was cheaply made and had fallen apart. But then when the sun winked at us, kissed our cheeks, and told us to keep our honest eye open, within minutes our logic was blind again.
And I let go. again and again and again. But before I could hit bottom I became terrified of what I'd find and I reached out for something, someone to cling to. We'd huddle in the darkness until my guts couldn't take the lies any more and I let go and it continued and continued and to be continued....